Editor's note: In an effort to spread awareness about the importance of mental health during Mental Health Awareness Month, Robbi Ryan, a senior on the 2019-20 Sun Devil women's basketball squad, wanted to share her personal story of dealing with mental illness.
May is an important month as it is Mental Health Awareness Month. Thus, I hope you all are staying happy and healthy while finding ways to keep yourselves busy during this unusual time. With all this spare time on my hands, I decided to finally share a piece of writing. This piece is about my journey with mental health. I wrote this about a year or so ago, but I think this is the perfect time to finally share it. So here it is:
Throughout my college career thus far, I've competed against some of the best athletes in the world- Kelsey Plum, Sabrina Ionescu, A'ja Wilson, and Jordin Canada to name a few. Every year I have played against great competition, but the biggest competitor I have ever faced has never stood across from me on the court. They have never worn a jersey or played a single minute. They have never put in the hard work to prepare for a season. They have never sacrificed in order to succeed. This is all because my greatest competitor lives inside of me, specifically my mind. Unfortunately, anxiety and depression have outscored the toughest players in the nation to win the top spot as my biggest opponent.
Mental illness didn't really grab ahold of me until the summer between my freshman and sophomore season at ASU. I silently struggled for a long time, just waiting for it to get better. I dreaded going to summer workouts and playing basketball. Honestly, I hated every second I had to be there, and it was all because I had lost joy in something I once loved. A psychology term to describe what I was experiencing is "anhedonia". I had been consumed by my depression and it didn't just affect basketball, it turned everything in my life upside-down.
I was unmotivated, always tired, and I didn't really care about anything. I felt nothing- I was blank. When I did feel something, it was either anger or sadness. A feeling of loneliness would ache throughout my body. There were times where I would just cry all day for no reason. I kept all this pain inside for a long time, hiding it from friends, family, teammates, and coaches. I put on a fake persona even though I was on the edge of breaking. I finally had the courage to speak up about my struggles and ended up seeing our team doctor. Not many words were spoken, just tears were shed. I was ordered to see a counselor that same day. Through this process I was diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety.
My sophomore season was a struggle, consisting of several ups and downs. I eventually got on medication for my depression and anxiety in the fall. I wish medication had been the sole solution, but it wasn't- especially while trying to be a student-athlete at a top program like ASU. My mental struggles plagued my basketball performance. The first time I distinctively remember it happening during a game was our road game against Oregon my sophomore year. It was a big game for us as Oregon was a top team in our conference. Naturally, a competitive athlete like myself would be pumped up and ready to go. Yet, I was just about the opposite. I had low energy and felt fuzzy. I tried playing myself out of it, but nothing was helping. I was a step slow on everything. It was like I wasn't even playing in the game- I was on the outside looking in.
"Out of nowhere, its mashes into you like a truck.
Stopping you instantly in your tracks.
However, the world keeps moving while you stand there.
Standing there feeling nothing.
Standing there feeling no emotion.
Standing there feeling empty.
Standing there in a slow-motion world.
You aren't apart of the world- just simply a spectator.
The worst part is you can't keep the truck from coming…
It just smashes into you when it feels like it.
Once you're hit- you're done for.
The only thing you can do is try your hardest to
Keep from drowning in it…"
Excerpt from personal journal
Throughout my junior year at ASU, I still struggled. There were a lot of up and downs as I tried to manage my mental health while being a full-time student-athlete. I eventually got on a new medication towards the end of my junior year- it was the fourth medication I had tried. Thankfully, I found one that helped me get back on my feet. Along with medication, I did other things to help me such as writing in a journal, connecting with others, asking for help when I needed it, and also seeing a counselor periodically. Since then, it feels like I have been on an upward climb. It's like a breath of fresh air. I can't remember the last time I felt so connected to myself, others, and the environment around me. I actually feel. I can genuinely enjoy things I haven't been able to enjoy for a very long time. Life has me on a high- it makes me realize how much there is to live for. It also makes me realize that those dark thoughts that can tell you otherwise are just thoughts- they aren't reality. Life is not better when you're gone. The pain will eventually surpass, and you'll finally find the light, and the light will brighten your soul and mind once again.
I have learned a lot through these past couple of years. At first, it was hard for me to understand and accept that mental illness is a disease and not a weakness. Admitting and facing my mental struggles has been one of the strongest things I have ever done. It has allowed me to help myself and also have empathy for others who are struggling, especially athletes. Athletes are expected to be mentally and physically tough, able to push through adversity. But mental health is real. Just because others can't see it or feel it, it is very real. It doesn't discriminate either. Mental illness doesn't care about your profession, gender, age, or wealth. No matter who you are, mental illness could affect you. If it does, I strongly encourage you to open up about it. Figuring out how to deal with those feelings is lifesaving, along with letting others help you. I couldn't be more thankful to be surrounded by Charli and the rest of my coaching staff while working through these past couple of years. Without them, my teammates, my friends, and my family, I probably wouldn't be here today.
So, let me just leave you with this…Mental health is real and should not be taken lightly. Don't feel like you have to make the journey alone as there are numerous resources out there for anyone seeking help. Lastly, it is more than okay to openly talk about mental health, even if society says otherwise. Mental health affects more people around you than you might realize, so make sure to check in on your people. You never know, their biggest competitor could be the same as mine.
Here I am- a year later and still happy and healthy. The difference between my junior and senior season is proof of the better place I have thankfully been in. However, this story is no longer about me. It is about everyone else who has struggled, is struggling, will struggle, or will be around someone who is struggling. As a global pandemic grabs ahold of our world, it leaves us in an unprecedented time. Physical health is at the forefront with COVID-19, as it should be. But mental health should not be far behind it. While social distancing is imperative to decrease the spread of the virus, there are some negative consequences that stem from it- isolation being a big one. This is a hard time for anyone. But I think this time is especially dangerous for those who struggle with mental health problems. The things that usually help people like me- socializing with others, connecting with friends, getting out of the house, etc.- don't exactly abide by the social distancing guidelines. In an effort to social distance from each other, I see a lot of people quarantined at home… in isolation. Isolation- now that is a frightening word. Isolation is detrimental for those with mental illnesses. In fact, isolation is damaging to any individual no matter who they are. That is why it is more important than ever to check in on yourself and others. Have a purpose every day. Get into a routine. Go outside. Call your friends. Facetime family. Exercise. Find a new hobby. Enjoy an old hobby that you used to be 'too busy' for. Use this time to better yourself. Even when we come out of quarantine, it is important to carry this experience with us. Let's really use Mental Health Awareness Month to fight the stigma and promote good mental health practices. In whatever you decide to do and wherever this quarantine takes you, always make sure to check in on your loved ones and those around you. They might need you now more than you know. You could be the phone call that saves them.
Mental Health Resources
ASU Counseling Services remains fully committed to the emotional health and wellness of ASU students at this unprecedented time. Mental Health Counselors are available for immediate consultation, 24/7. During office hours, call 480-965-6146 to speak immediately to a counselor. Monday, Thursday - 8 a.m. to 7 p.m. Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday – 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. Outside of office hours, call ASU's Dedicated Mental Health Line through EMPACT to speak immediately to a counselor 480-921-1006.
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is a 24-hour, toll-free, confidential suicide prevention hotline available to anyone in suicidal crisis or emotional distress. By dialing 1-800-273-TALK (8255), the call is routed to the nearest crisis center in our national network of more than 150 crisis centers. The Lifeline's national network of local crisis centers provides crisis counseling and mental health referrals day and night.
May is an important month as it is Mental Health Awareness Month. Thus, I hope you all are staying happy and healthy while finding ways to keep yourselves busy during this unusual time. With all this spare time on my hands, I decided to finally share a piece of writing. This piece is about my journey with mental health. I wrote this about a year or so ago, but I think this is the perfect time to finally share it. So here it is:
Throughout my college career thus far, I've competed against some of the best athletes in the world- Kelsey Plum, Sabrina Ionescu, A'ja Wilson, and Jordin Canada to name a few. Every year I have played against great competition, but the biggest competitor I have ever faced has never stood across from me on the court. They have never worn a jersey or played a single minute. They have never put in the hard work to prepare for a season. They have never sacrificed in order to succeed. This is all because my greatest competitor lives inside of me, specifically my mind. Unfortunately, anxiety and depression have outscored the toughest players in the nation to win the top spot as my biggest opponent.
Mental illness didn't really grab ahold of me until the summer between my freshman and sophomore season at ASU. I silently struggled for a long time, just waiting for it to get better. I dreaded going to summer workouts and playing basketball. Honestly, I hated every second I had to be there, and it was all because I had lost joy in something I once loved. A psychology term to describe what I was experiencing is "anhedonia". I had been consumed by my depression and it didn't just affect basketball, it turned everything in my life upside-down.
I was unmotivated, always tired, and I didn't really care about anything. I felt nothing- I was blank. When I did feel something, it was either anger or sadness. A feeling of loneliness would ache throughout my body. There were times where I would just cry all day for no reason. I kept all this pain inside for a long time, hiding it from friends, family, teammates, and coaches. I put on a fake persona even though I was on the edge of breaking. I finally had the courage to speak up about my struggles and ended up seeing our team doctor. Not many words were spoken, just tears were shed. I was ordered to see a counselor that same day. Through this process I was diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety.
My sophomore season was a struggle, consisting of several ups and downs. I eventually got on medication for my depression and anxiety in the fall. I wish medication had been the sole solution, but it wasn't- especially while trying to be a student-athlete at a top program like ASU. My mental struggles plagued my basketball performance. The first time I distinctively remember it happening during a game was our road game against Oregon my sophomore year. It was a big game for us as Oregon was a top team in our conference. Naturally, a competitive athlete like myself would be pumped up and ready to go. Yet, I was just about the opposite. I had low energy and felt fuzzy. I tried playing myself out of it, but nothing was helping. I was a step slow on everything. It was like I wasn't even playing in the game- I was on the outside looking in.
"Out of nowhere, its mashes into you like a truck.
Stopping you instantly in your tracks.
However, the world keeps moving while you stand there.
Standing there feeling nothing.
Standing there feeling no emotion.
Standing there feeling empty.
Standing there in a slow-motion world.
You aren't apart of the world- just simply a spectator.
The worst part is you can't keep the truck from coming…
It just smashes into you when it feels like it.
Once you're hit- you're done for.
The only thing you can do is try your hardest to
Keep from drowning in it…"
Excerpt from personal journal
Throughout my junior year at ASU, I still struggled. There were a lot of up and downs as I tried to manage my mental health while being a full-time student-athlete. I eventually got on a new medication towards the end of my junior year- it was the fourth medication I had tried. Thankfully, I found one that helped me get back on my feet. Along with medication, I did other things to help me such as writing in a journal, connecting with others, asking for help when I needed it, and also seeing a counselor periodically. Since then, it feels like I have been on an upward climb. It's like a breath of fresh air. I can't remember the last time I felt so connected to myself, others, and the environment around me. I actually feel. I can genuinely enjoy things I haven't been able to enjoy for a very long time. Life has me on a high- it makes me realize how much there is to live for. It also makes me realize that those dark thoughts that can tell you otherwise are just thoughts- they aren't reality. Life is not better when you're gone. The pain will eventually surpass, and you'll finally find the light, and the light will brighten your soul and mind once again.
I have learned a lot through these past couple of years. At first, it was hard for me to understand and accept that mental illness is a disease and not a weakness. Admitting and facing my mental struggles has been one of the strongest things I have ever done. It has allowed me to help myself and also have empathy for others who are struggling, especially athletes. Athletes are expected to be mentally and physically tough, able to push through adversity. But mental health is real. Just because others can't see it or feel it, it is very real. It doesn't discriminate either. Mental illness doesn't care about your profession, gender, age, or wealth. No matter who you are, mental illness could affect you. If it does, I strongly encourage you to open up about it. Figuring out how to deal with those feelings is lifesaving, along with letting others help you. I couldn't be more thankful to be surrounded by Charli and the rest of my coaching staff while working through these past couple of years. Without them, my teammates, my friends, and my family, I probably wouldn't be here today.
So, let me just leave you with this…Mental health is real and should not be taken lightly. Don't feel like you have to make the journey alone as there are numerous resources out there for anyone seeking help. Lastly, it is more than okay to openly talk about mental health, even if society says otherwise. Mental health affects more people around you than you might realize, so make sure to check in on your people. You never know, their biggest competitor could be the same as mine.
Here I am- a year later and still happy and healthy. The difference between my junior and senior season is proof of the better place I have thankfully been in. However, this story is no longer about me. It is about everyone else who has struggled, is struggling, will struggle, or will be around someone who is struggling. As a global pandemic grabs ahold of our world, it leaves us in an unprecedented time. Physical health is at the forefront with COVID-19, as it should be. But mental health should not be far behind it. While social distancing is imperative to decrease the spread of the virus, there are some negative consequences that stem from it- isolation being a big one. This is a hard time for anyone. But I think this time is especially dangerous for those who struggle with mental health problems. The things that usually help people like me- socializing with others, connecting with friends, getting out of the house, etc.- don't exactly abide by the social distancing guidelines. In an effort to social distance from each other, I see a lot of people quarantined at home… in isolation. Isolation- now that is a frightening word. Isolation is detrimental for those with mental illnesses. In fact, isolation is damaging to any individual no matter who they are. That is why it is more important than ever to check in on yourself and others. Have a purpose every day. Get into a routine. Go outside. Call your friends. Facetime family. Exercise. Find a new hobby. Enjoy an old hobby that you used to be 'too busy' for. Use this time to better yourself. Even when we come out of quarantine, it is important to carry this experience with us. Let's really use Mental Health Awareness Month to fight the stigma and promote good mental health practices. In whatever you decide to do and wherever this quarantine takes you, always make sure to check in on your loved ones and those around you. They might need you now more than you know. You could be the phone call that saves them.
Mental Health Resources
ASU Counseling Services remains fully committed to the emotional health and wellness of ASU students at this unprecedented time. Mental Health Counselors are available for immediate consultation, 24/7. During office hours, call 480-965-6146 to speak immediately to a counselor. Monday, Thursday - 8 a.m. to 7 p.m. Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday – 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. Outside of office hours, call ASU's Dedicated Mental Health Line through EMPACT to speak immediately to a counselor 480-921-1006.
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is a 24-hour, toll-free, confidential suicide prevention hotline available to anyone in suicidal crisis or emotional distress. By dialing 1-800-273-TALK (8255), the call is routed to the nearest crisis center in our national network of more than 150 crisis centers. The Lifeline's national network of local crisis centers provides crisis counseling and mental health referrals day and night.